Who Cares If You Exist

T,

Am I lonely? Most of the time I prefer not having a bunch of friends. It feels like whenever I get friendly with people I start to get annoyed by them. It's either I just don't like them or I can't keep up with them. I don't like feeling obligated to respond to texts, to keep up a facade, to put my effort into people. I don't have the energy for getting or keeping friends. If they don't leave me then I will.

But sometimes I feel like it might be nice. That maybe I'm missing out on all the experiences and my teenage years will be gone before I know it (I've only got one year left anyway). Nothing ever really works out though. Everyone feels like an acquaintance. Even at work it feels like everyone likes me, everyone is friendly with me, but no one is friends with me. Everyone has someone else there that is their actual friend. I'm just agreeable, I guess. People don't mind that I'm there but they wouldn't notice or care when I'm not.

But I guess I don't really make an effort. And I'm too awkward and insecure, and frankly, kinda weird. So, I can't blame anyone but myself. I don't like people, I can't handle people, and I don't try. But the bad thing about being human is you can't help but still want connection of some kind anyway. 

I guess I'd want a lover at some point, but I wouldn't even know how to go about that. If I can't even make friends how could I ever find love? And I'm so complicated. I have all these problems, I like things a certain way, I have all these annoying habits. I can't imagine a single person on this earth who could be okay with everything about me. Even if at first they were, they're bound to hate me sooner or later, it's inevitable. They'll find a part of me they just can't stand or I'll finally make them run out of patience. I'd be a fool to think anything different. 

I don't know what the point in me saying all this is. This one is kind of a mess.

Eternally, yours truly, 

Alexander

Down with the Sickness

T,

It's been a little bit. I've been sick for a while and I was locked in my room in quarantine for a couple of days. I couldn't even tell when it was night and when it was day. When I finally got out I was still so sick I couldn't leave the couch, and when it was finally time for bed I went to my room and couldn't sleep for the life of me. I kept tossing and turning, I would have the same weird dream every time I closed my eyes but when I woke up only a second or a minute had passed. 

It was really weird, it felt like I had restless leg syndrome but instead of it being for no reason it was like my blanket was falling apart in little pieces and I was rolling them into shapes. My legs were moving because I was stressed and panicking, my entire body felt like if I stopped moving for any reason something bad would happen. I'm not sure what parts were a dream and what was real. I eventually resorted back to sinking into the couch only to be awoken by the dog 2 hours later.

I felt ashamed by my ability to do nothing for all those days. I was too tired and they didn't want me to contaminate everything in the house. I had to rely on others to feed me and get me water. I was a sickly, disgusting burden. I lost 3 pounds during that time. But, how bad is my sickness compared to the suffering of others? I have the privilege to sit around and do nothing, I have the privilege of others taking care of me. How many people don't have that? I should be grateful. Speaking like that always makes me feel performative, but I really do think about my privilege a lot.

Anyways, I had a different plan for how this post would go, but I think you deserve an update and I wanted to get my thoughts out on the matter. I'll save the topic I wanted for tomorrow, or whenever I get around to it I guess. I don't think it's realistic to try to do this daily. I thought I could because there's so much I wanna say but I don't always have the capacity to let it out.

I have some big things to talk about later, about everything happening. I hope you won't get bored of my ranting.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

Wake Up

 T,

Everything feels like a dream. Everything that's happening cannot be real. These crazy fucking conspiracies cannot be real. And yet it's all real. I'm losing my mind over the state of things, over everything coming out, over everything that's been out that I just didn't know about. How can any of this sick and twisted shit be real? I feel so unsafe and horrified, terrified of the "future". I'm scared to even say the exact details of everything because they are always watching. And that's not me being paranoid, that's the reality.

I'm sure by now I'm already on some kind of list with my internet presence. What am I supposed to do? Just be quiet and pretend to be someone I'm not? That's not possible. I know I'm a target, and there's nothing I can do to change that anymore. Some freaky shit is going on and if you are in the US and you are not seeing it then you need to open your fucking eyes. I'm sorry about the profanity and the anger, but I think it's the appropriate reaction at this point. People are not angry enough.

Honestly, I'm not sure if there's much to be done anymore. It feels like something really drastic would have to happen to stop what's happening, I'm afraid to say what. I'm glad to see the people speaking up and standing up against things, but it doesn't feel like enough. Every day I see something new pop up that completely shatters any hope I had. The moment I go online I go into a spiral, but it's like a car crash, you can't look away. Well, I don't want to look away, I want to see, I want to know, I don't want to be in the dark. But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not focus on it so much. But how can I not? Even if I don't go on social media, it still invades my mind.

I know this is going to be the same things I've been saying forever, but it's just been clouding my days. I don't feel like anything matters anymore. How can I do anything like normal when this situation is not fucking normal? I have no motivation to the things I need to do. Schoolwork? Fuck that. How can I concentrate, how can I want to put my time and effort into something for a future that might not even be there? That's where it feels like things are going. And if it's not the end of the entire world as we know it, it sure as hell is gonna make this difficult for me and many other people out there. Even then, that's an understatement.

I'm depressed, but let it be known I am NOT SUICIDAL. I have NO WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander