T,
Everything feels like a dream. Everything that's happening cannot be real. These crazy fucking conspiracies cannot be real. And yet it's all real. I'm losing my mind over the state of things, over everything coming out, over everything that's been out that I just didn't know about. How can any of this sick and twisted shit be real? I feel so unsafe and horrified, terrified of the "future". I'm scared to even say the exact details of everything because they are always watching. And that's not me being paranoid, that's the reality.
I'm sure by now I'm already on some kind of list with my internet presence. What am I supposed to do? Just be quiet and pretend to be someone I'm not? That's not possible. I know I'm a target, and there's nothing I can do to change that anymore. Some freaky shit is going on and if you are in the US and you are not seeing it then you need to open your fucking eyes. I'm sorry about the profanity and the anger, but I think it's the appropriate reaction at this point. People are not angry enough.
Honestly, I'm not sure if there's much to be done anymore. It feels like something really drastic would have to happen to stop what's happening, I'm afraid to say what. I'm glad to see the people speaking up and standing up against things, but it doesn't feel like enough. Every day I see something new pop up that completely shatters any hope I had. The moment I go online I go into a spiral, but it's like a car crash, you can't look away. Well, I don't want to look away, I want to see, I want to know, I don't want to be in the dark. But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not focus on it so much. But how can I not? Even if I don't go on social media, it still invades my mind.
I know this is going to be the same things I've been saying forever, but it's just been clouding my days. I don't feel like anything matters anymore. How can I do anything like normal when this situation is not fucking normal? I have no motivation to the things I need to do. Schoolwork? Fuck that. How can I concentrate, how can I want to put my time and effort into something for a future that might not even be there? That's where it feels like things are going. And if it's not the end of the entire world as we know it, it sure as hell is gonna make this difficult for me and many other people out there. Even then, that's an understatement.
I'm depressed, but let it be known I am NOT SUICIDAL. I have NO WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY.
Eternally, yours truly,
Alexander