T,
It's been a little bit. I've been sick for a while and I was locked in my room in quarantine for a couple of days. I couldn't even tell when it was night and when it was day. When I finally got out I was still so sick I couldn't leave the couch, and when it was finally time for bed I went to my room and couldn't sleep for the life of me. I kept tossing and turning, I would have the same weird dream every time I closed my eyes but when I woke up only a second or a minute had passed.
It was really weird, it felt like I had restless leg syndrome but instead of it being for no reason it was like my blanket was falling apart in little pieces and I was rolling them into shapes. My legs were moving because I was stressed and panicking, my entire body felt like if I stopped moving for any reason something bad would happen. I'm not sure what parts were a dream and what was real. I eventually resorted back to sinking into the couch only to be awoken by the dog 2 hours later.
I felt ashamed by my ability to do nothing for all those days. I was too tired and they didn't want me to contaminate everything in the house. I had to rely on others to feed me and get me water. I was a sickly, disgusting burden. I lost 3 pounds during that time. But, how bad is my sickness compared to the suffering of others? I have the privilege to sit around and do nothing, I have the privilege of others taking care of me. How many people don't have that? I should be grateful. Speaking like that always makes me feel performative, but I really do think about my privilege a lot.
Anyways, I had a different plan for how this post would go, but I think you deserve an update and I wanted to get my thoughts out on the matter. I'll save the topic I wanted for tomorrow, or whenever I get around to it I guess. I don't think it's realistic to try to do this daily. I thought I could because there's so much I wanna say but I don't always have the capacity to let it out.
I have some big things to talk about later, about everything happening. I hope you won't get bored of my ranting.
Eternally, yours truly,
Alexander