T,
Weirdly enough, I'm feeling pretty good. Even though yesterday I made it sound like the world was ending, maybe my world isn't just yet. I still haven't done any work on my class and the world is still fucked, but other aspects of my life are looking up.
I've been working out consistently, taking care of myself a little bit more, writing here, I haven't been biting my nails, testosterone is going well too, and probably some other things I've forgotten. It feels like maybe, with all these self-improvement things I'm doing, the harder things might come along more easily. I don't know if that's true, but I'd like to think it is. But I'm worried that what comes up must come down. I've been feeling so high, what happens when I fall? Will it be worse than before?
I often feel strange when things are going well, like I don't deserve it, that something is wrong, that maybe I want to stay miserable. I guess when you've been bad for so long, it becomes your new normal. I guess maybe that's why I'm always stuck like this and any attempt to change the way things are becomes so much harder, even though it seems like it should be so easy. But, I want things to keep looking up, even though it's uncomfortable and I've grown to "like" being sad. It's kind of like Stockholm syndrome (or maybe there's an actual name for this feeling).
I'm proud of myself, I guess. I wonder if you're proud of me too, for not following in your footsteps. I hope this will last, you know I like to have random bursts of happiness before it all crashes down. Maybe this time I'll have enough fuel to keep flying. Maybe I can land in your orbit and you can fling me straight past Neptune.
Eternally, yours truly,
Alexander
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