Am I lonely? Most of the time I prefer not having a bunch of friends. It feels like whenever I get friendly with people I start to get annoyed by them. It's either I just don't like them or I can't keep up with them. I don't like feeling obligated to respond to texts, to keep up a facade, to put my effort into people. I don't have the energy for getting or keeping friends. If they don't leave me then I will.
But sometimes I feel like it might be nice. That maybe I'm missing out on all the experiences and my teenage years will be gone before I know it (I've only got one year left anyway). Nothing ever really works out though. Everyone feels like an acquaintance. Even at work it feels like everyone likes me, everyone is friendly with me, but no one is friends with me. Everyone has someone else there that is their actual friend. I'm just agreeable, I guess. People don't mind that I'm there but they wouldn't notice or care when I'm not.
But I guess I don't really make an effort. And I'm too awkward and insecure, and frankly, kinda weird. So, I can't blame anyone but myself. I don't like people, I can't handle people, and I don't try. But the bad thing about being human is you can't help but still want connection of some kind anyway.
I guess I'd want a lover at some point, but I wouldn't even know how to go about that. If I can't even make friends how could I ever find love? And I'm so complicated. I have all these problems, I like things a certain way, I have all these annoying habits. I can't imagine a single person on this earth who could be okay with everything about me. Even if at first they were, they're bound to hate me sooner or later, it's inevitable. They'll find a part of me they just can't stand or I'll finally make them run out of patience. I'd be a fool to think anything different.
I don't know what the point in me saying all this is. This one is kind of a mess.
Eternally, yours truly,
Alexander