Who Cares If You Exist

T,

Am I lonely? Most of the time I prefer not having a bunch of friends. It feels like whenever I get friendly with people I start to get annoyed by them. It's either I just don't like them or I can't keep up with them. I don't like feeling obligated to respond to texts, to keep up a facade, to put my effort into people. I don't have the energy for getting or keeping friends. If they don't leave me then I will.

But sometimes I feel like it might be nice. That maybe I'm missing out on all the experiences and my teenage years will be gone before I know it (I've only got one year left anyway). Nothing ever really works out though. Everyone feels like an acquaintance. Even at work it feels like everyone likes me, everyone is friendly with me, but no one is friends with me. Everyone has someone else there that is their actual friend. I'm just agreeable, I guess. People don't mind that I'm there but they wouldn't notice or care when I'm not.

But I guess I don't really make an effort. And I'm too awkward and insecure, and frankly, kinda weird. So, I can't blame anyone but myself. I don't like people, I can't handle people, and I don't try. But the bad thing about being human is you can't help but still want connection of some kind anyway. 

I guess I'd want a lover at some point, but I wouldn't even know how to go about that. If I can't even make friends how could I ever find love? And I'm so complicated. I have all these problems, I like things a certain way, I have all these annoying habits. I can't imagine a single person on this earth who could be okay with everything about me. Even if at first they were, they're bound to hate me sooner or later, it's inevitable. They'll find a part of me they just can't stand or I'll finally make them run out of patience. I'd be a fool to think anything different. 

I don't know what the point in me saying all this is. This one is kind of a mess.

Eternally, yours truly, 

Alexander

Down with the Sickness

T,

It's been a little bit. I've been sick for a while and I was locked in my room in quarantine for a couple of days. I couldn't even tell when it was night and when it was day. When I finally got out I was still so sick I couldn't leave the couch, and when it was finally time for bed I went to my room and couldn't sleep for the life of me. I kept tossing and turning, I would have the same weird dream every time I closed my eyes but when I woke up only a second or a minute had passed. 

It was really weird, it felt like I had restless leg syndrome but instead of it being for no reason it was like my blanket was falling apart in little pieces and I was rolling them into shapes. My legs were moving because I was stressed and panicking, my entire body felt like if I stopped moving for any reason something bad would happen. I'm not sure what parts were a dream and what was real. I eventually resorted back to sinking into the couch only to be awoken by the dog 2 hours later.

I felt ashamed by my ability to do nothing for all those days. I was too tired and they didn't want me to contaminate everything in the house. I had to rely on others to feed me and get me water. I was a sickly, disgusting burden. I lost 3 pounds during that time. But, how bad is my sickness compared to the suffering of others? I have the privilege to sit around and do nothing, I have the privilege of others taking care of me. How many people don't have that? I should be grateful. Speaking like that always makes me feel performative, but I really do think about my privilege a lot.

Anyways, I had a different plan for how this post would go, but I think you deserve an update and I wanted to get my thoughts out on the matter. I'll save the topic I wanted for tomorrow, or whenever I get around to it I guess. I don't think it's realistic to try to do this daily. I thought I could because there's so much I wanna say but I don't always have the capacity to let it out.

I have some big things to talk about later, about everything happening. I hope you won't get bored of my ranting.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

Wake Up

 T,

Everything feels like a dream. Everything that's happening cannot be real. These crazy fucking conspiracies cannot be real. And yet it's all real. I'm losing my mind over the state of things, over everything coming out, over everything that's been out that I just didn't know about. How can any of this sick and twisted shit be real? I feel so unsafe and horrified, terrified of the "future". I'm scared to even say the exact details of everything because they are always watching. And that's not me being paranoid, that's the reality.

I'm sure by now I'm already on some kind of list with my internet presence. What am I supposed to do? Just be quiet and pretend to be someone I'm not? That's not possible. I know I'm a target, and there's nothing I can do to change that anymore. Some freaky shit is going on and if you are in the US and you are not seeing it then you need to open your fucking eyes. I'm sorry about the profanity and the anger, but I think it's the appropriate reaction at this point. People are not angry enough.

Honestly, I'm not sure if there's much to be done anymore. It feels like something really drastic would have to happen to stop what's happening, I'm afraid to say what. I'm glad to see the people speaking up and standing up against things, but it doesn't feel like enough. Every day I see something new pop up that completely shatters any hope I had. The moment I go online I go into a spiral, but it's like a car crash, you can't look away. Well, I don't want to look away, I want to see, I want to know, I don't want to be in the dark. But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not focus on it so much. But how can I not? Even if I don't go on social media, it still invades my mind.

I know this is going to be the same things I've been saying forever, but it's just been clouding my days. I don't feel like anything matters anymore. How can I do anything like normal when this situation is not fucking normal? I have no motivation to the things I need to do. Schoolwork? Fuck that. How can I concentrate, how can I want to put my time and effort into something for a future that might not even be there? That's where it feels like things are going. And if it's not the end of the entire world as we know it, it sure as hell is gonna make this difficult for me and many other people out there. Even then, that's an understatement.

I'm depressed, but let it be known I am NOT SUICIDAL. I have NO WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

Tomorrow

T,

I'm sorry that I didn't write to you on Sunday and I forgot to publish this last night. I feel like my days are moving by so fast. It doesn't feel like it should almost be the end of February. Everyday I wake up and suddenly the day is already over. And when I do have a plan for things, to spend some of the time in my days, something else comes up and I leave it to tomorrow.

But it is tomorrow, it's been tomorrow for 2 months, and I still haven't got anything done. I feel so stuck. So many aspects of my life are improving, I'm trying to improve, but everything that needs to be done right now keeps getting pushed further and further back.

I don't mean to avoid the important things, I want to do them, but starting feels like such an impossible feat. And even if I could start, somehow it feels like I still have time to waste when I know it's running out. The panic of deadlines closing in isn't enough to make me take action anymore. 

I don't know what to do. I'm ashamed to tell others that I need help because it feels so stupid and I know most people wouldn't understand why I can't just do it. I thought maybe it'd help to start ADHD medication but I just can't afford that right now. I wonder what it's like for people who don't have to deal with this. How easy is it for them to just do things? What I would give to have that ability.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

A Dog in a Cage

T,

I feel so powerless. Right as I start to get my shit together the US keeps getting worse and worse. My rights are being taken away, my safety is being taken away, the government is run by evil, disgusting pedophiles, and I don't even know what to do.

I'm afraid to leave my house. ICE is settling down in the same area I work and I'm afraid that every car that follows behind me a little too long is them. I'm a citizen, I was born and raised, but when has that ever stopped them? They'll kidnap and torture anyone who doesn't fit their criteria. Even though I live in a sanctuary state, nowhere feels like a sanctuary anymore. There isn't a single place untouched by what's going on.

But I don't have the funds to leave here, not even close. I feel like a dog locked in a cage. No matter how much I bark and scratch the bars there's nothing I can do. I see videos all over social media, some things frightening and others things incredibly punk and hopeful in a way. Before I tried not to watch but I wanna know what's going on, especially when it affects me so directly. I can't stop waiting for things to change without speaking up. If I sit back and do nothing am I complicit?

I plan to post some of my more political music. I've stayed silent about issues until now, I didn't even like posts that were political. I guess my parents affected me in that way, persuading me not to speak out. We always fight about politics so I try to ignore them when conversations steer in that direction. I don't agree with them on a lot of things but I guess it's impossible not to take in a little of it, parents have a way of making you second guess the things you believe. Just because you love them, even when they don't always deserve it. But they don't understand. My existence has been made political by the government and their blind followers. 

I feel hopeless but I don't want to go down without a fight. That's kinda cliche but it's true.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

"For a pessimist I'm pretty optimistic"

 T,

Weirdly enough, I'm feeling pretty good. Even though yesterday I made it sound like the world was ending, maybe my world isn't just yet. I still haven't done any work on my class and the world is still fucked, but other aspects of my life are looking up.

I've been working out consistently, taking care of myself a little bit more, writing here, I haven't been biting my nails, testosterone is going well too, and probably some other things I've forgotten. It feels like maybe, with all these self-improvement things I'm doing, the harder things might come along more easily. I don't know if that's true, but I'd like to think it is. But I'm worried that what comes up must come down. I've been feeling so high, what happens when I fall? Will it be worse than before?

I often feel strange when things are going well, like I don't deserve it, that something is wrong, that maybe I want to stay miserable. I guess when you've been bad for so long, it becomes your new normal. I guess maybe that's why I'm always stuck like this and any attempt to change the way things are becomes so much harder, even though it seems like it should be so easy. But, I want things to keep looking up, even though it's uncomfortable and I've grown to "like" being sad. It's kind of like Stockholm syndrome (or maybe there's an actual name for this feeling).

I'm proud of myself, I guess. I wonder if you're proud of me too, for not following in your footsteps. I hope this will last, you know I like to have random bursts of happiness before it all crashes down. Maybe this time I'll have enough fuel to keep flying. Maybe I can land in your orbit and you can fling me straight past Neptune.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

Falling behind

T,

I still haven't started my class. I was doing so well before, I was going through everything so quickly. I guess all good things come to an end. I was bound to fall back into old habits. But I feel unmotivated, more than I was before. Previously, I could get things done even if I was unmotivated. If I gave myself a deadline, even if I waited until the end, I did it. But now... I just feel so lost.

I guess I'm kinda feeling like, what am I doing all this for? All this struggling and working and schoolwork, what's the end goal? What's the reason I wanna keep going? Sure, to transition, but for what? When I'm done with school, what am I doing? I don't really have a reason for living, not in an I wanna die way, but what's the point of going through all this if at the other end there's nothing? I'll just spend every day working, going home, playing video games, and doing the same thing every day. I don't anticipate myself having friends that will make any of this worthwhile. I'll just be here for no reason. I guess I'm thinking a little bit like you.

The quote "Do what you love and success will follow" is bullshit. If I did what I loved, I'd be living with my parents for the rest of my life. You can't make it anywhere if you love something stupid like music and I'm not smart enough to do much of anything else. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I can't imagine my life doing anything but music. How foolish is that? Even though I know it's ridiculous, I still can't help but have a bit of hope.

Regardless, I'm waiting for motivation to come, but how can I do anything when the world is so fucked? I know I should do it, I want to do it, but every day I sit on my computer and do nothing until it gets late enough for me to say I'll do it tomorrow.

I'm a little bit scared of how things are going. I don't know if I can pull through this time.

Eternally, yours truly, 

Alexander

Happy Birthday to me and this blog

T,

Today is my 19th birthday and the day I am creating this blog.

I'm not sure why, but I felt the urge to put my thoughts down, have the feeling that someone is listening to me, even if no one reads this at all. Do you have the internet where you are?

I guess that's kinda the good thing about the internet. Even if no one is there, it still feels like anyone could be watching at any time. Whether that's a negative or a positive could be debated, but for now, I'm grateful for the invisible eyes that might stumble upon this at some point in time.

This year was... interesting. For the past couple of years, my birthdays have been dull and typically full of conflicting emotions. I don't really like celebrating it. I haven't in a while.

I received 6 "happy birthday" messages this year, a new record. Well, 5 if you don't count my dentist's automated texts. 1 if you don't count obligatory family texts. I don't particularly mind not having many friends, but sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to have hundreds of people blowing up my phone the second it hits midnight. I think it would be too overwhelming for me to handle, anyway. 

I was going to buy myself a cupcake, but I ran out of time. Maybe I would have bought two.

There's always next year.

Eternally, yours truly,

Alexander

PS. Are you still ageing with me, or do you stay 16 years old?