I still haven't started my class. I was doing so well before, I was going through everything so quickly. I guess all good things come to an end. I was bound to fall back into old habits. But I feel unmotivated, more than I was before. Previously, I could get things done even if I was unmotivated. If I gave myself a deadline, even if I waited until the end, I did it. But now... I just feel so lost.
I guess I'm kinda feeling like, what am I doing all this for? All this struggling and working and schoolwork, what's the end goal? What's the reason I wanna keep going? Sure, to transition, but for what? When I'm done with school, what am I doing? I don't really have a reason for living, not in an I wanna die way, but what's the point of going through all this if at the other end there's nothing? I'll just spend every day working, going home, playing video games, and doing the same thing every day. I don't anticipate myself having friends that will make any of this worthwhile. I'll just be here for no reason. I guess I'm thinking a little bit like you.
The quote "Do what you love and success will follow" is bullshit. If I did what I loved, I'd be living with my parents for the rest of my life. You can't make it anywhere if you love something stupid like music and I'm not smart enough to do much of anything else. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I can't imagine my life doing anything but music. How foolish is that? Even though I know it's ridiculous, I still can't help but have a bit of hope.
Regardless, I'm waiting for motivation to come, but how can I do anything when the world is so fucked? I know I should do it, I want to do it, but every day I sit on my computer and do nothing until it gets late enough for me to say I'll do it tomorrow.
I'm a little bit scared of how things are going. I don't know if I can pull through this time.
Eternally, yours truly,
Alexander
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